ho hum. here i am, sitting at home… sometimes on the porch, even though it is all of a sudden freezing cold in my dear city of melbourne. touring is done, for a while, and i am changing gears with the changing of the seasons.
sounds idyllic and, at times, it is. i do admit to hitting a flat panic when i arrived home and forced myself into an unnaturally slow pace before i was ready. you can’t tell the mind and body how to feel. you’d think i knew that, and i do, but i tried to go against nature for my own convenience.
i arrived home, tired and relieved and looking forward to the process of writing and reflection, so i thought i’d give myself a nudge in the right direction. i told myself i knew what to do to make this happen and went about buying books and cd’s, taking in the odd movie and placing blank pieces of paper before myself like it was a big juicy steak. foolish and foolhardy was i.
i hadn’t taken into account the full, to overflowing state of my mind and the sheer physical exhaustion i was suffering.
the tour had not been an easy on for me, although i think it went well, it was hard. there was the usual onslaught of publicity that must be done to ensure a successful run of dates, my first appearance as a speaker at a master class at the head of the tour (which left me drenched with sweat, as it put me well outside of my comfort zone), and on top of all of that, my beloved grandmother passed away and my dad needed to be moved into a permanent care situation (my sister and i packed up his apartment on one of my days off). if the tour and the press run didn’t get to me, then the emotional toll of two major events in my family that i neatly bundled into some tight corner in the attic of my mind, did.
once finally settled back on the porch, dunking biscuits in my tea, i realised that the portal to my creative mind and any other free-flowing thoughts had been welded shut and that there was a tempest of unsorted emotions stuck inside.
back to therapy for me.
i also booked myself in for a series of shiatsu massages that i had been planning for, oh about three years!
i’ve built this up to make you believe that there must be some calamitous explosion coming, such is the dramatist in me, but honestly, i really should’ve just sat tight and let it come. it was all my intervening and knowing better than nature, and just generally getting ahead of myself, that brought about an extreme and unnecessary anxiety about my mental state.
turns out, i was fine.
the massages have been wonderful, the therapy brief (i cannot say pleasant, but enjoyable, nonetheless), and i am loving getting back to teaching yoga and learning guitar.
i have found the perfect outlet for my spiritual life in teaching yoga. i am sharing a side of myself with friends that they normally don’t see and entertaining my nuturing side with people that i care about in a forum that is both helpful and healthful.
the guitar? it is a constantly humbling process. i guess i have arrived at a stage where i want to learn for the right reasons and that gives me a boatload of patience with myself. i have also become a chronic question asker, which used to be incredibly out of character for me. mostly, i am enjoying the creaking and groaning sound of my unused brain. why should my limbs get all the stretching?
the only thing missing from the three new projects i dreamt up before i went on tour, is the newsletter/blog/interview forum/photographic essay/poetry page… it’s coming. i am happy to have kept up with two things that i embarked upon in a gung-ho fashion (my guitar and my yoga teaching), especially when they have already been extremely rewarding. i may have also realised that i piled a lot on my plate, but i’m not worried by that, i’m just taking my time with the execution. i do remember that one of the things i must gain from all these endeavours is enjoyment.
as far as songwriting goes, (yes, i am working on the next album!) i have begun writing, co-writing and writing for others. it feels like such a different experience already. it is not a search for the unknown, rather a search for something i know is there. i am beginning to feel the positive effects of my last writing, recording experience. i feel much more definite and motivated about what i want. you can’t ask for more than that, can you?
love and peaceful thoughts,
ang x