oh, hello.
i’m not going to lie. i’m not doing so well right now. i think i am a wee bit depressed due to a profound lack of progress with my album, a profound lack of funds (a result of the former) and perhaps the fact that i started going to therapy in all earnest about two months ago.
as the not very well known, unreleased splendid song, ‘yesman’, says: ‘here i am, at rock bottom, it’s rocky and full of rocks… like enlightenment……..but in reverse.
the horizon looks amazing. it’s just that the map i’ve been following was not exactly to scale and it’s taking an inestimable amount of time to reach it… or perhaps, as is the nature of horizons, it gets further away as i draw near.
i have the promise of money, a record deal and an album that i will promote with the help of the first two things. i just don’t have a date.
logically, you’d say, i should either push on ahead or try my hand at some other inspiring, stimuli… like a day job. you’re right, i should. i just can’t bring myself to go out into the workforce in case i get stuck there for another four years, like the last time i went into the unskilled labour camp. i am not the best multi-tasker and when it came down to joining the regular pay-cheque movement, my music greatly suffered, as my employer’s business blossomed.
i am a musician and i believe this is possible, but boy am i being tested.
as for pushing on ahead, i am, but i must admit the pace has been less than speedy as my inspiration and motivation has waned.
high points for this month:
*my gig at the spanish club last thursday with my new bandmate, lillith. we practised like we were training to fight rocky. every rehearsal, we left wondering if we were going to win the fight, right up until the bell. we even gave each other the old, ‘whatever happens, let’s just have fun’, adage. from the time the mouthguards were in, to the time the towels had patted the backs of our necks, we shone. it was so rewarding to have worked so hard and to be equally repaid with the results.
*split enz’s reunion show at the tennis centre. four part harmonies, a spoon solo, a frisbee throwing competition from the stage and six months in a leaky boat. i cried a few times.
*during ‘sand’, being able to legitimately sing the lines, ‘i started smoking, just so i could quit…and i did’.
*singing with my non-smoking voice.
*and singing it with my ‘hospitality crush’, angela, on harmonies.
*watching the japan vs australia soccer match on the brand new northcote social club patio in the freezing cold and wanting to hug complete strangers after our unexpected win.
*re-enacting the world cup with my nephews.
*gardening.
roses from the garden. i have now discovered the zen-like qualities of pruning for winter… i learned to listen and then i knew where to cut.
the famous kangaroo paw…. ‘what’s that skip?’
if i can remember to live in the present time and not project forward, i will be fine. many good things are happening every day and i am discrediting them by not being present. it’s the constant questioning of when, how and how come, that are undoing me. so i vow to stop with the impossible and start with the now.
how are you all going? i’d love to read about your journeys in the forum… bring it on.
ang x