ever get caught in a lie that you started and can’t escape? i used to all the time, but it has become a far and few between experience for me.
my lies are almost always generated out of shyness and my inarticulate nature in the spur of the moment. it takes me a while to get my thoughts together and, when pressed i will blank out (hence all those forgotten lyrics, that i wrote myself!), or panic and find myself agreeing to fill what would be an awkward silence.
for instance, everybody thinks i’m a massive new order/joy division fan, which over the years i have become, but it wasn’t always so and especially not during the years that blt was a huge part of my life. i am a song by song person and every now and then i’ll delve into a band headlong and know all their songs, the names of the band members and what country they come from. a lot of the time i just love one song and eventually will take the slow dive and explore further into the origins of it’s maker. even then, i seldom retain this basic information and i hardly ever learn song titles for even my most favourite songs……unless i end up covering them. as a result, i have been known to agree passionately with a fellow musician about the wonders and wisdom of said bands (not a lie, as i do love what i have heard, so far), only to find myself nodding blankly as they reel off nostalgic moments that involve songs i have never heard…..or don’t know if i have and am too ashamed to ask. as i said, i rarely or never do the latter anymore, as i cease to care what people think about my inner library or lack of, or my lack of access to it in the heat of the moment.
i am living in real time, like everybody else, but sometimes i wish i could press the slo-mo button while i gather my composure and get a chance to shape my words. if i could just get back to everyone via e-mail, i would be much better off, as matt will testify from our stilted, socially inept phone calls (i speak only for myself, he’s completely socially equipped).
another example is the time i completely snubbed neil finn, the greatest song writer of all time, because i didn’t say hello in the crucial first five seconds before things become pre-meditated and i potentially turn into a blushing gushing fan, instead of a peer with common interests (is that a redundant expression? peers are your common interest peeps, right? maybe i’m not even articulate in type….). i spent a painful hour in the departure lounge of austin airport, four hours in the air and another hour in baggage claim, pointedly ignoring him, as i he passed by me frequently in all three settings, looking confused as to why i wouldn’t acknowledge him.
the point of my story is that last night i was at the highland grounds watching 50 cent haircut play an acoustic set (stunning songs) and i spot the lead actor from ‘me and you and everyone we know’. i just saw this movie two weeks ago and have rated it as the best movie i’ve seen since ‘lost in translation’. i normally don’t get star struck and am quite capable of having a normal conversation with anyone, as long as they’re not joni mitchell or carol king………..or neil finn. i decide, that although i never do this, i would be willing to make a total goofball of myself and actually go tell him how much i loved the movie……..then i decide against it.
meanwhile, my friend ralf, has struck up a conversation with him, as apparently he is also the star of some top tv show called deadwood and he wants to take pictures of him. he introduces him to me as the star of his favourite tv show and i respond with, ‘i don’t watch tv’. i can of course, follow this with something like,’but i did see your most recent movie and…’, but i am not quick enough to rebound from the shock of my first utterance, especially after his response, which is, ‘good for you’. i am mentally booting myself firmly in the arse at this point and we are off to a swimming start.
by the end of the evening, we are talking music, as this man is not only a fantastic actor, but a musician, who is very well versed in the indie music scene. he’s even from austin texas, goddammitt. i don’t tell any lies about what i do and don’t know about music, even though i have not heard of 95% of the bands he admires. i am just deflated by the fact that, because i missed my initial opportunity to say i know who he is, i will never get to tell him how much i appreciate his work.
did i mention i have a new song called don’t be shy?